Out of the Darkness: Walking in the Light
“You see, when you've done something wrong, it's not natural to look inside yourself for the cause.” - Paul David Tripp, New Morning Mercies
As I sit at a coffee shop reading the day's devotional from New Morning Mercies, I'm comforted and encouraged by Paul Tripp's reminder of God's grace, which helps us look inward when we have actually done something wrong instead of looking outward to put the blame on others or our circumstances. This is a comfort to me because it reminds me of God's grace working in my life.
The Bottomless Pit of Introspection
The past year has lead me to realize that my scrupulous conscience leads me to look inward almost all the time. Deeply rooted in my "fear of man", my perfectionistic tendencies can lead me to look at the good in others only to see what I perceive to be lacking in me. Last year I found myself doubting my salvation and I became obsessive with finding whatever sin might be lurking so that I could rid it from my life. I was looking to find guilt where guilt didn't really need to be applied. I was walking the hallways of my past alone and exploring the dark closets of my mind with fear and trembling. Creating irrational conclusions and false realities.
As I continued to look inward, I couldn't help but see all that was wrong. Surely God doesn't want me to look into my heart and self-condemn. Yet here I was, looking into the depths of my heart and diving into the never-ending pit of introspection. Completely forgetting the grace of my Lord Jesus. Deep in my own despair, I felt like I would be wandering in darkness forever.
Trusting the Lord for me is day by day trust that His promises are true and He is faithful even when I am faithless. That the condemning of my conscience and my heart doesn't define the reality of my Savior's love for me. The gospel brings light to my life and gives me hope for my future.
The Grace of True Conviction
In the spring of 2024, God began to reveal to me that something was actually wrong. I knew that there were things I truly needed to talk about, but hiding in the darkness for so long led me to believe the lie that I would only face rejection and condemnation. The slow build up of unaddressed fear and anxiety led me to a panic attack with my thoughts feeling like an overflowing pot of boiling water. I truly felt hopeless.
Deeper understanding and true healing came out of this suffering. And it wasn't some self-help power I found within myself. I don't believe in that. Sure, I might find ways to modify my behavior to find temporary relief or success. But true heart-level transformation doesn't come from within myself. After all, I looked deep within myself and I had nothing to offer. But instead, the help I received came from the Lord. I realized that if I truly wanted to get better, I needed to go to someone to talk about all that I was afraid to open up about.
Deeper Understanding
Looking back, my fear of man prevented me from true vulnerability with others. Without really understanding what I was doing, I created coping mechanisms to cover up what I was deeply afraid of. I was self-protecting.
I justified this "self-protection" by doubling down in my faith. My fear of man lead me to look at man and elevate people in my mind to a place where only God belongs. I would look at the gifts and skills of others and use them as a mirror to my own perceived failures and weaknesses.
I figured what I needed was more knowledge. Learn more. Know more. Study more. Eliminate anything really that wasn't "Christ-like". This lead to a man who looked like he had it together but was truly a scared and terrified man on the inside. A man who looked at others with a critical eye. Judging others in my heart. Thinking how I would respond better in certain situations. Thinking the way I was living my life was the right way. That the Christian walk as I was living it was the correct walk.
Reflecting back, my intentions were good. But my motives were so mixed. My thinking was: Get closer to God by knowing more about God and by doing so, love others well, and share the gospel. Good intentions.
Yet why was I increasingly anxious? Why was I so afraid to be honest in community and share my struggles? Why would I find myself paralyzed by anxiety and overcome with fear? Thoughts racing and wondering what everyone was thinking about me.
Walking in Darkness
“If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.” (1 John 1:6)
The truth of God's Word pierces our heart and leads us into the truth. I was walking in darkness. There were sins in my life that I knew I was hiding. There were deep dark fears and lies that I didn't want to confess out of fear of rejection and abandonment. I'd confess them to the Lord, sure. But I wouldn't actually confess them to others because I was fearful of their response. So the lies only continued and my misery only increased. Like mold festering and growing in the darkness, the lies I had believed only grew more and more twisted. There were some things I really needed to get out but the longer I held onto them, the more irrational and delusional my thoughts became. "If you talk about THIS, then what about THAT? And if you talk about THAT are you really being honest about all THIS?" The lie I believed was that there was no one I could open up about this tangled mess in my mind. As I write this out, I remember a quote from Matt Chandler that has stuck with me since college, "To be 99% known is to be unknown". That 1% was what I was holding on to and it was killing me.
I would supplement my sin with learning more and serving more. I was a high-functioning hypocrite whose internal gears were breaking down.
I was afraid of my own thoughts. And I was doing everything I could to eliminate anything in my life that I believed was causing my intrusive thoughts. This was me white-knuckling through the Christian life and trying to control my situation. Placing the power in myself instead of in the One who holds all things together and offers me life and peace.
Heart-Level Transformation
“But Peter said to him, “Explain the parable to us.” And he said, “Are you also still without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the stomach and is expelled? But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander." Matthew 15:15-19
My external morality and religious practices were not going to change what really needed changing. My heart. And God deeply cares about what is going on in my heart. He wants to change me from within. He wants to draw me deeper into love for him and others.
A story that I hope to share in depth another time, I found myself broken. A complete breakdown of both body and mind. I couldn't function and I couldn't think clearly. And in God's rescuing grace, he sent people to help. I couldn't go at this life alone anymore. I needed to let others help me.
I began to open up and talk about the thoughts that would lead me to feel shame and guilt. The struggle I was having with my mind and the confusion I had of knowing what was truly sin and what was my own guilty conscience.
I committed to intensive therapy and counseling. Diagnosed with Pure OCD, or "Scrupulosity", I began to understand that what I was facing wasn't unique to me. What a subtle lie of the enemy to convince me that my own experience and thoughts were truly unique to me and no one else could ever understand or relate.
This is far from the truth!
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.” 1 Corinthians 10:13-14
If God's Word is true, which I fully believe it is, then I can trust this statement. The temptations and struggles I face are common. And of course they are! This world does not function the way God intended. Our hearts are deceitful and we all have a sin problem.
Walking in the Light
“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.” 1 John 1:7-10
By walking in the light, I've seen God's grace in a way that I never have before. Understanding the depth of my sin has helped me see the surpassing beauty and hope of the gospel. I've seen lifelong strongholds of fear and anxiety begin to crumble as I have entrusted myself daily to the love and grace of Jesus, not my own performance and efforts.
Does this mean I will no longer face fear and anxiety in my life? By no means. I will continue to struggle through this hard and challenging life. But I am not alone in the struggle. God in his kindness will not let me go. Day by day he will show me that I am made to be dependent on Him, not independent in myself. And one day, He will call me home and this struggle in the flesh will be over.
God's grace has given me clarity to see my past in a different way, which has given me hope for my future. The gospel is leveling my pride and helping me to truly see others with compassion and love.
Any label of the world and condemnation from others is not my identity. My identity is in Christ and there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ!
My encouragement in all of this would be, "walk in the light". Don't go at this life alone. We aren't meant to. Examine the life of Christ! Ask yourself, "Who is this Jesus and what do I believe about him?"
God is not some far off God. He is present and near. Jesus isn't some emotionless idea of a person but a Good Shepherd who truly lived a human life. He knows our frame. He is able to sympathize in our weaknesses. He suffered unjustly so that we may find hope in our suffering. He desires relationship with you and offers freedom!
Share your struggles. There is hope in the gospel for every struggling and wandering soul.