Battling Anxiety
The Welcome Party
It was the Fall of 2022 and it was one of those nights that I’ll never forget. Not because it was amazing and was filled with joyful memories. But rather because the trajectory of my next few years shifted after this night. This was the night a relentless battle with anxiety began.
My wife and I were visiting a couple friends in New Jersey for their wedding. The night before the wedding was the welcome party, which anyone from the wedding was invited to. I remember having a great start to the day. As we usually do when out of town, we tried various coffee shops, ate great food, and explored some shops in the area. Come time of the party, we parked the car and walked over to the restaurant where it was taking place.
I really didn’t know what to expect. We walked in and the first thing I mentally took note of was how underdressed I was. Jeans and a polo while most other people were dressed up. My wife immediately recognized a handful of people and the small-talk began. I didn’t know who these people were but they knew me through my wife. I remember being incredibly self-conscious. Anxiety began to take over. Within a matter of seconds, my heart rate increased and I felt myself overheating. And then came the sweat. As I consciously became aware that I was sweating, the sweating grew worse. I went into full fight or flight mode and all I could think was, “Run!”.
I excused myself, told my wife I needed to get some fresh air, and stepped outside. I walked to the car and sat inside to get myself under control. I prayed and read scripture about fear and anxiety. I remember reading 2 Timothy 1:7,
“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
I was ready to go back, face my fears, and try again. I walked back inside with a renewed confidence. I found my wife and joined in on the conversation taking place.
And then it happened. Again.
Anxiety came roaring back and I found myself in the same situation. Sweating profusely and completely embarrassed. Ashamed, I excused myself by saying I just wasn’t feeling well and was going to go sit in the car. I went back to the car and this time sat in the car as a completely humiliated and broken man. I texted a couple of guys to let them know what was going on and asked for prayer. As I waited for the dinner to end, despair began to take over. “What is wrong with me?”, I thought.
The Aftermath
That was a rough night. My wife responded with incredible grace and encouragement, but I was a mess inside. Surprisingly, the wedding itself went great. I felt like myself and didn’t experience what I experienced the night before. But psychologically, the night before stuck with me. I wanted to do whatever I could to prevent that from happening again. I began ruminating on upcoming social settings in fear of breaking out in a complete anxious sweat.
The next few years were an uphill battle with what felt like many defeats. I never battled anxiety in this way before, so I did what I thought would be best: memorize scripture on anxiety and recite it in my head when I would begin to feel anxious. Passages such as Philippians 4:6-7 and Isaiah 26:3-4 became core verses in my life. This would work sometimes, but unfortunately the problem persisted. I continued to find myself in social settings with my anxiety spiking through the roof. Instead of enjoying interactions with my friends, I was functioning as if I was in survival mode - trying to “make it through” the interaction.
As the struggle continued, I felt increasingly hopeless and despairing. I felt weak as a Christian. I compared myself to others who seemed to function just fine in social settings. I even compared my present self to my past self, thinking that life was so much better for me before. In all of this, my fear of man increased as my trust in the Lord decreased.
Lessons Learned
Though my battle with anxiety persists today, I have learned some valuable lessons:
Anxiety looks different for everyone and it cannot be erased from life. There are helpful ways to learn to manage and cope with it, but it will not fully go away forever.
God wants me to bring my anxiety to him. He isn’t caught off guard by my emotions and feelings. He desires relationship with me and wants me to trust him daily. Go to the Psalms and connect to the raw emotions expressed there.
You don’t have to struggle alone. Loop in some trusted friends and even consider counseling/therapy. Talking about your anxieties and fears with another person helps to uncover underlying root issues that you may not even realize are there.
Breathe. When your thoughts are spiraling, it often helps to bring yourself back to your physical environment and your bodily senses.
There isn’t shame in medication. Medication can be a necessary step to help manage your anxiety as you continue to dive into the deeper rooted heart struggles and unhealthy thought patterns.
Power in Weakness
Ultimately, I long for the hope of heaven where one day the struggle with this body and world will be over. But in the here and now, I have to trust that God is in perfect control and will continue to sustain me day by day. I think of Paul pleading with the Lord three times about the thorn in his flesh and the Lord’s response:
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9a)
Christ doesn’t tell Paul that he will take away the thorn in his flesh. He reminds Paul that the grace he provides in the midst of every circumstance of his life is sufficient for him. It is enough to see him through to the end. Paul’s response is amazing as he says,
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9b-10)
I love how the Lord doesn’t rebuke Paul for asking him to take this thorn from him. Paul continues to bring his emotions and requests to the Lord. Although Paul is essentially told “no” in his request, the Lord provides great comfort to Paul by reminding him of the power of his grace.
As I continue to ask the Lord to free me from this battle with anxiety, I must learn to trust Him. I pray that I can repeat with confidence the words of Paul, that I am content in my weaknesses and that when I am weak I am strong. If this is how the power of Christ must be displayed in my life, then I will choose to trust Him day by day until he calls me home.